The most damaging feedback
As I’ve been reflecting on my career over the last few weeks, I’ve been thinking about the power of our words, and how the way we approach providing feedback can make a great impression on others and impact their careers, positively or negatively.
When I was about mid-level in my career, just starting to branch into more leadership type positions I received feedback that I was “too polarizing”.
OOF. The last thing I wanted to do was negatively impact my team. I’d be lying if I said this feedback didn’t feel like a direct attack on me as a person, but as a designer, I’ve learned to take (most criticism) with a grain of salt and try to take it into consideration, or at least get to the heart of it. But this one didn’t really make much sense to me. I tried to keep an open mind and absorb what I was being told. So, trying to listen to those who I deemed better versed in leadership than I, I asked if they could elaborate and provide me with an example of a time that I was in fact, being polarizing and how it affected the team.
They responded along the lines of “Oh, well I’m not saying you’re being polarizing but I could see this possibly happening as a lot of people look up to you and your emotions could influence them.”
In that immediate moment I was more angry than hearing and accepting of the feedback. Because, this was a perception that couldn’t be backed up with any actual facts. There was no further discussion or guidance on how to be an effective leader. Just a comment that I honestly didn’t even really fully understand, likely fueled by the fact that I was speaking up against issues I was seeing, that was REPEATEDLY brought up (thus forming some deep insecurities).
I took it upon myself to gain 360 feedback from my peers and all of the feedback expressed how great I was to work with and how they appreciated my positive energy and they never felt like I brought them down.
I was feeling like the feedback was pretty much crap at this point and proceeded to find a new opportunity elsewhere. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I held that feedback with me for a while. I internalized and push down any form of negative emotion in the workplace and felt like I had to be someone I wasn’t. And I was always worrying that my emotions would prevent me from being taken seriously.
As I began my new role, I broke down to my new boss when I was having a particularly bad day and expressed my apologies because I didn’t want to be polarizing and bringing down the team.
They looked at me like I was crazy. One of my first true empathetic leaders, said to me “Emma, you’re allowed to have a bad day. You’re human. And if anything, I wouldn’t say you’re polarizing, you’re magnetizing. People gravitate and want to work with you.“
Wow. From that moment it was a complete shift. I felt truly seen for the first time in my career. I didn’t feel like I had to prove who I was or what I could do. It was recognized and encouraged, even the parts that weren’t perfect. AND I began seeking this type of leadership throughout the rest of my career.
I share this experience to help provide some context into how I view providing and receiving feedback, and what I’ve learned, in hopes that it might help you too.
As the person providing feedback:
Provide feedback in-real-time. Address
When providing feedback, think about the following:
What are your intentions?
Are you truly trying to help someone grow?
Will this feedback help someone further their career or just help them fit into the political landscape of your current organization?
Have I thought about how this feedback might impact the other person?
What is the best way to deliver this feedback so that the person on the receiving end will be open and accepting VS putting them on the defensive?
Do I have examples?After you’ve provided someone with feedback or something you’d like them to work on, help them come up with an actionable game plan and/or give them time to work on it. Don’t expect them to know what do or be able to change immediately. Give them time to absorb and work on it. While it is ultimately their job to work on themselves, this may be something they have never considered before and could gain value by working with others.
As a person receiving feedback:
I realized that just because someone is giving you feedback, it’s up to YOU to interpret and deem its value. Ask yourself is this a valid or a personal perception/projection? Are there examples to back up this feedback? Is there at least some truth to this that I want to take into consideration? Are multiple people providing me the same feedback? Is this feedback hard to accept because I do think there is truth to it or because it feels way off? Don’t negate all feedback but it’s really up to you to choose what to do with it. Think about what resonates with you, what you are willing/not willing to correct and how those actions will impact your current experience and future.
As a person navigating a corporate career:
The power of finding the RIGHT environment. Not all organizations are built equal and not every environment will work for you. Relating back to my personal example, I didn’t actually learn or at least fully digest my impact on others until I was truly able to put it into practice, which was under true empathetic and vulnerable leadership, that led by example VS leadership that focused on toxic positivity and increased productivity by pushing us to work late hours and over the weekend.
As leaders, it is our responsibility to be mindful of the way we might be impacting others, whether through words or actions. Both situations highlight on the same idea—our energy and how we handle situations, especially in leadership positions DOES impact our team. It will influence others and how they interact with you. And it will affect how they show up for work and perceive challenges.
We are allowed to be human. We’re allowed to have bad days or ungraceful moments, but we can use those moments to grow and show others how we can own them. Apologize or even talk about them. I used to despise “how sensitive” or “emotional” I am and how people viewed that quality, but now it’s my greatest asset. My ability to empathize with others’ needs helps me create better solutions for users and truly connect with and help others. It took many years to embrace this, but, it’s been much easier with the right mentors and leaders in my life.
Choose your leaders and mentors. In most cases, you can be intentional about who you want to work with, at least in the interview process or if you’re thinking about transitioning to a new team internally. And even in cases when leadership or your manager may change, you still have control over who you surround yourself with. If your current leadership team isn’t helping you thrive, find those who will. They can be leaders on a partnering team, or even a colleague. Maybe it’s a connection on LinkedIn. Seek them out and learn.